March 2011
1 post
January 2011
2 posts
When girls cry, boners die.
Science has recently proven what men throughout the world have known for years: when girls cry, boners die. Nothing makes me want to run from the scene faster than a girl turning on the water works. I always thought there was something wrong with me, perhaps I was a cold-hearted emotionless bastard with no feminine side to get in touch with. Nope…I’m just a guy, and the hormones in...
Shopping for jeans sucks.
Shopping for jeans sucks. Yesterday was my mom’s last day in town before hopping on a plane back to Alaska. After dropping off my aunt and uncle at the airport, she had a few hours to blow. She asked me if there was anything else I needed before she left. I informed her that I was in desperate need of a new pair of jeans. It’s become somewhat of a yearly tradition to hunt for...
December 2010
7 posts
1 tag
It's not the end of the world, just the beginning...
I hate New Year’s Eve. It is clearly the most overrated holiday. Everyone expects to have a blast on NYE but, ask around, no one ever does. NYE always turns into a clusterfuck of mixed up plans, too many options, and everyone in the country clogging the roadways trying to get somewhere “special” for the countdown. 95% of us fail every year. I have a theory about fun. You...
I'm dumb with it.
My Uncle Bob is a good guy. He’s a real man’s man born and bred in Easton, PA. He married my mom’s sister. He was a high school football coach for 30 years, and still teaches high school. He’s a half-Italian, half-Irish/Englishman with a thick Pennsylvania accent. Bob’s a great story teller. His stories about being raised in Easton are like opening a time...
More like Sarah FAILin...AMIRITE!?!?!
(i apologize for the lack of CAPS in this post. i’m at my grandmother’s house. she has dial up internet and no wireless router so i’m posting from her archaic computer. her left shift button barely works, and i don’t want to bother with it.)
i’m from alaska. i moved there when i 5. i moved away from there as when i was 19. i spent all my formative years there...
Why aren't things happening?
I rap. I’ve been making rap music for a long time. I’ve called myself a rapper for at least 10 years now, but I was rapping long before that even. Some people mistakenly think I’m an “established” rapper. Most people correctly think that I’m a nobody still or, better yet, have no idea I exist. I have not yet hit critical mass. I have never gone viral. I...
Mandatory Christmas Post.
It’s hard to get into the Christmas spirit when you live alone in a studio apartment and most of your family lives an 11 hour flight away. I haven’t heard any Christmas songs all month because I only listen to NPR. I haven’t been caught in any Black Friday stampedes because I’m gainfully unemployed and my family and friends understand that I don’t expect any gifts...
It's Partly Your Jeans, But Mostly My Genes
“Girl…we are the same, we are basically soul mates, this is meant for us to happen, there’s really no use in us trying to fight it.” This used to just be a load of bullshit I would feed women but, after reading about the new scientific discovery that some of us are genetically predisposed to be dirty man-whores, I’m completely excited to be able to say this to my next one...
Why Can't I Just Have My Goddamn Unemployment...
After three long years of working a job that was gradually making me dumber, I finally got laid off. Here in Los Angeles, this is every aspiring-so-and-so’s dream. Now I will have 18 months time to write more, time to record more videos, time to pursue my dreams, and the whole time I will collect small weekly checks from the government. It’s just their little way of telling me...