It’s Partly Your Jeans, But Mostly My Genes
“Girl…we are the same, we are basically soul mates, this is meant for us to happen, there’s really no use in us trying to fight it.”
This used to just be a load of bullshit I would feed women but, after reading about the new scientific discovery that some of us are genetically predisposed to be dirty man-whores, I’m completely excited to be able to say this to my next one night stand without even a twinkle of irony in my eye. Leave it to science to make my promiscuity somewhat morally acceptable. It’s not my fault I want a new woman in my bed as often as possible, it’s my parents fault for having two recessive slut genes that combined to create a handsome, charming, and sex-craved monster.
The same gene has been linked to alcoholism, gambling addictions, and now the tendency towards infidelity and uncommitted one-night stands. This gene is the reason I don’t feel guilt when I cheat on someone I love. This gene is the reason that I am prone to believe that humans are not inherently monogamous creatures. This gene is the reason I can’t stop staring down your blouse. This gene is American as apple pie.
Here in America, we love these sort of excuses, I’ve just been waiting for mine. I’m a fairly liberal individual (which, it turns out, is also related to this same gene), so i tend to agree with genetic predisposition and I give people the benefit of the doubt. In this new era of genetic technology, we’ve established that morbidly obese fat asses aren’t lazy, it’s their genes. We’ve established that drug addicts aren’t low life degenerate fucks that want to steal their mom’s television, it’s their genes. And now we’ve established that I’m not a fucked up pervert that enjoys talking innocent fans between the ages of 19 and 24 into the sack for a night of naked WWE title fights because he’s secretly seeking the affection he never got from his mother…IT’S IN MY GENES!!!
God is a funny son of a bitch. Turns out he (she? it?) didn’t actually make any of us obese, junkies, alcoholics, gamblers, rapists or perverts. He made us fiends for his own natural little baby batter spooge juice…dopamine. That conceited motherfucker. This silly little gene, that causes me to seek out bar-sluts with a similar inclination, works on a system of pleasure and reward that causes what is essentially an addiction to my own natural God-given drug. And here I thought I just liked boobs.
So what does this discovery mean to a gentleman like me? It means that now, next time I have a girl down to her chonies and we’re playing “Just The Tip,” I can look her in the eye with every bit of conviction and say: “Girl, every moment in the history of human evolution has led us to this very moment. You and I are the same, we are one, it wasn’t just your jeans, it’s in our genes.”
Inspired by this article: http://www.livescience.com/culture/gene-linked-to-promiscuity-infidelity-101201.html
