More like Sarah FAILin…AMIRITE!?!?!
(i apologize for the lack of CAPS in this post. i’m at my grandmother’s house. she has dial up internet and no wireless router so i’m posting from her archaic computer. her left shift button barely works, and i don’t want to bother with it.)
i’m from alaska. i moved there when i 5. i moved away from there as when i was 19. i spent all my formative years there and escaped the first moment i was able to. i’ve lived in california for 10 years now, and people are always amazed to find out that i am originally from the land of the midnight sun.
there was always a definitive top 5 questions i used to get asked about the state of alaska. they were as follows:
1) is it cold? (yes numbnuts, it gets really cold…it’s fucking alaska.)
2) is it always light/dark? (yes dickhole, in the summer it stays light and in the winter it’s dark most of the day.)
3) do you get paid to live there? (not enough to live on you broke asshole, every october you receive a check from the state called a dividend but only about $1200.)
4) what are the northern lights like? (they are as if god were a mongoloid that loved to grab a handful of colored chalk and scribble on a darkboard.)
5) do you ever see penguins? (if you ask me this i will walk away from you, unless you are a pretty girl with a lowcut shirt. either way, go read a book.)
now those five questions have all been replaced by the new ultimate alaska quandary: what do you think of sarah palin?
to put it briefly, when sarah palin entered the political radar a couple of years ago my mother once abruptly hung up the phone on me after i called the ol’ “mama grizzly” a “dumb cunt.” so yeah…i don’t like her. oops.
first and foremost, sarah palin was not a factor in alaska whatsoever when i left the state. our governor at the time was the gawd tony knowles, who once shouted me out in a speech. keep it gangsta tony, i know you always will. palin didn’t become the governor of the state until 2006. alaska is the 3rd least populated state in the country, so there ain’t too much to govern, yet she was still managing to fuck things up by the time she was clearly cherry picked by the illuminati to bring forth a new era of (even more) politically retarded figureheads.
the folks behind sarah palin are geniuses. they knew they found the absolute perfect puppet to turn into a powerhouse. “oh you democrats have a black man?…well fuck THAT…WE HAVE A WOMAN!!!” it’s the most out-of-left-field move that a group of old money billionaire white men that still attend clubs where women are not allowed on the premises could’ve made. they pulled an intense reverse psychology mindfuck on america.
the republicans and tea party folks have managed to hypnotize a shit ton of poor, working class, middle americans into believing that their candidates are “shaking up the good ol’ boys” (direct palin quote). a good portion of these folks are living off of the benefits of medicare, welfare, and unemplyment insurance, yet palin and her keepers have them reciting mantra’s about “government being the problem, not the solution.” none of them think they are the “folks on welfare that don’t deserve it” (i.e. “we’re white). all the while, palin and the tea party are backed by some of the largest, richest corporations and good ol’ boys around, who want nothing more than to cut taxes to the wealthiest 2% of the population so the gap between the haves and have nots can continue to widen.
republicans have been the best marketers in the game for quite some time now. if karl rove owned a record label every artist would go platinum. don’t like how the media is portraying you? well then buy a news network. studies have recently shown that folks that watch the extremely right leaning FOXnews are the most misinformed viewers of all the news networks. don’t like how your candidate is coming off in traditional media interviews? well then get her a reality tv show.
palin’s reality show, that takes place in alaska, may as well just be a travel channel show about alaska hosted by palin. it couldn’t be any less loyal to the alaskan “reality” if they filmed it in vancouver for christ’s sake. i watched 3 episodes of it, and she did more touristy shit in those three episodes than i got to do in my 15 years of living there. people up there don’t just walk out there back door and hop on a floater plane to see what it’s like to fish for halibut for the day. people there work to save up enough vacation time to be able to afford 1 chartered fishing trip per year. she was on the show telling a guy on a cannery line that guts fish all day how cool his job was. HE FUCKING GUTS FISH FOR A LIVING, HE HATES THAT SHIT!!!
sarah palin and her handlers are succeeding in their quest to make her a viable political candidate. that’s because they have an amazing strategy. they get her in front of a crowd, they have her spew a bunch of empty rhetoric (“you know the difference between a hockey mom and a pitbull? lipstick” “i see a lot of mama grizzlies in this room” “buck up, or stay in the truck”), and they have her relate to these people on a genuine level. that genuine level is cluelessness and idiocy. “hey look, i’m just as dumb as you about all this shit, we need people like us running the government for us!!!” people eat it up. she’s not george bush, who was born with a silver spoon in his hand and needed to pretend to relate to the working man. she will actually get out there and tinker on your snow machine with you.
don’t get me wrong, there are a few things i like about sarah palin. i love her forrest gump-like journey into the spotlight. i like that she’s good looking, and looks great in yoga pants. most of all, i like the fact that i think my brother, who still lives in AK, could probably realistically bang either of her daughters (the one that’s almost 18 is a certified dime). either way, i’m tired of you guys asking me about her. so please stop.
my mom does not approve of this message.
