When girls cry, boners die.
Science has recently proven what men throughout the world have known for years: when girls cry, boners die. Nothing makes me want to run from the scene faster than a girl turning on the water works. I always thought there was something wrong with me, perhaps I was a cold-hearted emotionless bastard with no feminine side to get in touch with. Nope…I’m just a guy, and the hormones in female tears cause our testosterone levels to drop faster than panties on a prom night.
There’s a reason we men shutter at the thought of watching “The Notebook” with you. It’s not just because it’s sappy horse shit; it’s because you’re going to cry. We know in our heads that seeing you cry makes as uncomfortable as watching porn with our moms, we just never knew why. Turns out the chemicals in your tears are the equivalent of pepper spray to an erection. The subconscious scent of “don’t touch me right now, asshole.” Eau de “fuck off.”
I’ve had some experience with girls actually crying during sex. Thankfully it has been a rare occasion, but I will never forget or understand the experiences. There is an instant moment of confusion as to what is happening. Am I doing something wrong? Did I just break something inside her? Is it really that bad? OH FUCK, AM I RAPING SOMEONE RIGHT NOW!?!?!?
The last time it happened was with an older woman, who was somehow still very inexperienced. She had been in an extremely long relationship with the guy she gave her V-card to and apparently he wasn’t great at handling business of the carnal matter. One night her passionate moans transformed into sniffles, and before I knew it she was balling. Cue the sound of a slide whistle heading downwards. At that moment I wanted to get my Forrest Gump on and run until i grew a beard beard that hit my balls. She tried to explain that a huge mix of emotions hit her…sadness that she had spent so much time with a bad lover, happiness that she met someone she had so much chemistry with, and of course excitement provided by my diddle stick. Unfortunately those tears had enough anti-boner hormones in them for me to never quite feel the same around her, and I broke it off a few weeks later.
The first time it ever happened to me shook me to the core. I was just a wee lad of 21 and dating a girl I had been trying to get with for a looooooong time. She was another girl who had limited sexual experience (1 dude 1 time before me), and our first night of really going at it was like a marathon. But then all of a sudden, on round 4 - like I said, I was still young at the time - she started wailing. We were already being loud enough that my roommates at the time made fun of me for weeks after that, but the crying was far louder than any of the sex screams. I was scared shitless. This was my first time experiencing such a phenomenon. I felt like my dick crawled inside my stomach and died. I never found out what made that happen, and I’m not sure I want to.
In both of these situations I had no idea what to say or do. I panicked, I backpedaled, I tried to comfort them by spewing bullshit I had learned from movies. In all actuality, I was trying to hide my disappointment in them for turning my full salute into a spaghetti noodle. I felt like a really bad guy for that at the time, but now I know my Catholic guilt was misguided. Thank you science, once again you’ve made me feel like a better person!
